Dear Cheryl,
I’m nearly at my wit’s end. I’ve struggled for four years with a husband who’s uninterested in sex. I feel very alone and depressed. We’ve ruled out medical issues, talked, gone to counseling over and over. Nothing has helped. My husband is a wonderful, intelligent, sensitive, caring partner. We just don’t have sex. At our worst, it’s one to three times a month. At our best, it’s one to three times a week. His affection for me is platonic and joyless. I’m 32-year-old, and this is my second marriage. At what point is enough enough? At what point do I cut my losses? Please help me. I’m deeply miserable. FRUSTRATED
Dear FRUSTRATED,
Well, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I guess no sex is, too. You’re having sex, just not enough to satisfy you. And the quality seems to be lacking, too. You and your husband have very different sexual needs. You’re both normal–whatever that is—it’s just that your thermostats are set differently.
You need to accept the fact that your husband is not going to change. He can’t. He’s not going to unleash his inner tiger one day and come roaring at you. So, now what are you going to do? You have some options. You can accept the situation and sublimate your sexual energy. I don’t think that’s going to work. You’re miserable now, and you’ll only feel worse as years and then decades go by. You can satisfy yourself with another man. Of course, that has its own problems, heartaches, and pitfalls. Or you can acknowledge that sex is too important to you to continue in your marriage. You would be happier if you found a man with whom you’re sexually compatible, if he’s alsoa “wonderful, intelligent, sensitive, caring partner.” And your husband would be happier with a woman he satisfied. Right now he knows he’s constantly disappointing you and that has to be hell on his ego and self-esteem.
Enough is enough when you say it’s enough. No one can say it for you and no one can tell you when it’s time. Good luck and stay in touch.